Meaning
by L122yTorch
Summary: After a hostage situation rocks Olivia Bensons world, she is left to pick up the pieces. She expected Elliot to get involved, but never thought he'd be the one to pick up the pieces of her heart and put it together. SVU will never be the same.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, so I'm aiming for this to be my best L&O SVU fanfic so please let me know what you think of it, I do really appreciate any opinions :D

MEANING

For once, Olivia Bensons voice quaked and her eyes averted to the floor. Her vision became distorted with the tears that invaded her eyes. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry she kept repeating within her head, but to no avail as a salty drop descended. Wong's voice came in deep and low and said "it's alright to let go Olivia." "No it's not." "You were taken hostage Olivia, you experienced a major event and to just try and sweep up the aftermath and pretend it didn't happen isn't healthy. I know that you have so many thoughts about the hold up swirling in your mind, just let them come out and begin the healing process." Olivia's hand sprung up and whisked away the tears that were now pouring down her face. She looked down into her lap, wringing her hands.

"I…I was glad it was me. All I could think, the whole time that bastard had me at gunpoint was that…I was glad it was me. Fin has a son, and Munch has a family, and Elliot…god, Elliot, he has so much. And I…I don't have anyone and…I was glad it was me," her voice trailed off at these last words. "You keep saying you were glad it was you, why do you say that exactly?" "Because, if I was going to get shot, if I was going to die, would it really matter? All I have is this job, and I'm sure that there are other detectives that could easily replace me. But who could ever replace Elliot?" "So you feel like your life has less meaning." "Don't say it like that." "How should I say it?" "This session was a mistake Wong." "I'm worried about you Olivia, I have been recently, and this traumatic event seems to have pushed you over an edge. You wanted to be the one to die in that hostage situation, you're devaluing your life, and isolating yourself." "I'm done," Benson said getting up and shuffling down the stairs to the squad room, still wiping her tears from her face. "Liv," Elliot called, but she just brushed right past him. Fear washed over Elliot's face as he watched Wong descend the steps and knock on Craigen's door. The squad room was nearly empty seeing as how it was eleven at night, and Stabler's echoing steps kept time with his racing thoughts as he made his way to the elevator.

When the doorbell rang at three in the morning, Elliot was already awake, as now was his son who was bellowing cries from having been woken up. Rubbing his eyes, Elliot saw Captain Craigen standing outside his door. He said those dreaded words, "it's about Olivia." "Would you like some coffee captain?" Cathy asked the visibly worn boss of her husband. "No thank you," he shortly replied taking a seat on the couch. "What's going on with Olivia," Cathy asked, taking a seat on the opposing couch next to her husband. Craigen paused and looked down at the beige carpet. "Olivia is on suicide watch." "No," Elliot said bringing his hands to his face. "I hate it just as much as you do Elliot," Craigen said. "But this is serious. As we speak, officers are going through her apartment and removing any items that could cause harm. Her home and her life are being turned upsidown and she could really use a friend Elliot. She'll be off the job for a week at least, during which time she will be under constant supervision. I want you to take the week off to look after her, that way she'll be safe and you won't be working dangerous cases alone." "Olivia would never hurt herself Cap." "I know you've been partners for years, but honestly Elliot, I am beyond concerned for her right now. She's in a really dark place." "I have to be with her," Elliot said turning towards his wife. "Go," she replied.

A scene that Elliot had always feared he might see had manifested outside of Olivia Benson's residence. Cop cars were lined up her street, officers coming out of her door with bags of kitchen knives and ropes and cables. Stabler went right in and climbed the stairs to Olivia's apartment, the door was open and officers were brushing past Elliot. Her apartment had become somewhat of a crime scene, mobbed with police and emptied. There sitting on the couch was Olivia holding a glass of scotch mumbling into the crystal, "that son of a bitch Wong."

In her peripheral vision she could see Elliot's profile, yet she didn't acknowledge his presence. She didn't want him to see her face. The glass clinked against the coster as she set it down, her hands cold, her face red. "Liv," his voice sent shivers down her spine. His looming figure reached out and moved the glass. The wooden coffee table ached at his weight upon it. He sat square across from her. She looked away.

"What's going on?" his voice came in low in almost a whisper. "I don't know." "You have to know, you do know, you're just not letting me in." "Why should I let you in?" "Why shouldn't you?" his blue eyes begged, concern drenching his tone. "I would never hurt myself Elliot." "I know you wouldn't Liv, but that doesn't mean that you're…" "…stop Elliot." The face across from hers suddenly dissolved from concern to frustration. His hand reached up and cupped his forehead. Liv sighed. She never meant to cause more grief. "Geese El, I'm so damn tired."

"Of me?"

"No Elliot."

"The job?"

"I don't know. I'm just tired. So tired." "You've had a long day Liv, you should go to bed, now that the last of the officers have left." "You haven't left." "Do you want me to?" "No." "Good, because Craigen wants me to make sure you're alright." "You mean watch over me." "Liv, I want to be here, I want you to want me to be here." "I do."


	2. Chapter 2

Rain spat against the window at five in the morning. A flash a boom, a flash a boom, on and on. Elliot heaved a deep sigh and rolled over. The couch was comfy, no, that wasn't the problem. That feeling like you're so tired you could just scream and yet you can't fall asleep had overtaken Stabler. Feeling in a contemplative mood, but telling himself not to think anything so that he could fall asleep, Elliot stared up at the ceiling. He felt a pull drawing him into the bedroom, yet he didn't move. Was it inappropriate? But he had to check on her, it was his job, to make sure that she was okay. Bare toes met with the plush carpet and Stabler could feel his heartbeat in his fingers as he reached for the knob.

The door squeaked open, Elliot cursed under his breath, afraid that he had awoken Olivia. But she was already awake. She turned her head ever-so-slightly towards Elliot then back at the ground. Her silhouette sat up in bed, feet over the edge. Elliot crept over to the edge of her bed, she looked away embarrassed. Embarrassed that she needed someone, that she needed him. His hand perched on her shoulder sent a tingle down her spine. "Right now I'm not your partner Olivia, I'm you're friend. And it kills me that you won't say anything to me." "Like you're any better Elliot." "I know I'm not Olivia, I punch things, that's how I work, you know that. But it doesn't take away the pain. Neither does talking to a shrink. But being around you does. You understand, you don't have to pretend to be in my shoes because you already are. Let me take away your pain Liv."

………….

"When that shooter had me El, when his hand was wrapped around my neck, a gun to my head…flashbacks started. I kept going over how we went in, how he grabbed me, how everything leading up to that point got me there. Stevens could have so easily grabbed you Elliot, it was like Guitano all over again, except that I was the rapists shield. You and I went in at the same time, we didn't get the opportunity to split up and Stevens came up from behind. He grabbed me El. I don't know if it was because I was a woman, because he was closer, or just that it was fate. But upon regurgitating all of this in my mind, all I felt was relief, relief that it wasn't you." Olivia paused, covered her mouth with her hand and squeezed shut her eyes.

"I kept thinking of how much you had…of what life without you would mean. And I was glad it was me. That's what I told Wong." "Is that what you really think? That you're life is less valuable? How do you think my life would be without you Olivia?" "It would be hard for a while, but Kathy and the kids would be there for you. You would get another partner, and eventually you would move on." At this, Elliot's face twisted into a disgusted look. He grasped his neck with both hands and ran his eyes over the too familiar carpet. "You're one of the best things to ever happen to me Olivia…""You _are_ the best thing to happen to me Elliot." "Without you Olivia I would never be the same. I would never recover. So don't you give me some crap like I would miss you less if you were gone, because if I lost you forever, I'd…I'd lose myself forever.


End file.
